It has been ten months since I have written on this blog. This blog with my name.
I love to write and at the beginning of last year, I would have told you writing is part of my ministry.
“Katina J. Rice the “Jesus girl”, speaker, writer, dancer, mama…pharmacist by day hip swinging dance fitness instructor by night.
Life went topsy turvy and I lost her. I couldn’t bring myself to scratch out words anywhere, not on my blogs, in a journal, on a random piece of paper or on the inside of gum wrap. No words for my hurt.
No words but plenty of activity: prayer, work, carpool, dance, laundry, chores, errands, soccer, volleyball, piano, Zumba, friend, daughter, Bible Study leader. And so, no time for writing my words only time for getting from one day to the next without any regard for what I REALLY wanted.
As Christians, we are supposed to live a surrendered life right? Die to self. (You’ve heard that before). Well, if that is true, does what I want even matter? Does my hurt even matter? The kiddos aren’t gonna get themselves to school, dinner and practice. Bills still need to be paid so off to work I go… even-though my stomach gets in knots every Sunday afternoon. Life didn’t stop because I had a knife in my heart.
I got tired of talking about it and I felt like other people got tired of hearing about it. Everyone has problems.
“I’m not the first and I won’t be the last. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps. Pray harder”…none of these worked. They made me feel worse.
I spent the last six months of 2014 desperately trying to get over things and be happy. If I just had more faith! Right?
So 2015 came in and I vowed things would be different. I was going to feel better.
January was on its way out and I felt worse. I looked at other dance fitness instructors making things happen in their careers and I shamed myself for not doing more. No energy to do more…..more shame. Other pharmacists on my job LOVE it…what is my problem? More shame.
So I began to plan to do more even though I didn’t have any energy. I had to do more cause my hurt made me feel so low. Surely, if I do more, achieve more, apply for a new job, pray more, start a new ministry…..something.
Over dinner, I shared all my “plans” with a friend. Then she asked me a pressing question. The kind of question only a person with your best interest at heart will ask: “Why do you want to do all that stuff? Do you not think you are enough?”
I didn’t answer her at first. But as I thought about it later, my answer was No.
No because to be completely honest, my heart is broken in two.
No because I sometimes want to get in my car and keep going rather than deal with my teenage daughter.
No because I am a daughter of the King yet my self talk does not reflect my lineage.
As I prayed over the next few days God revealed these truths to me:
Enough is not accomplishment.
Enough has NOTHING to do with being chosen or discarded by people.
Enough is right now…even if right now is hurting, not really feeling it and shame.
Since God’s Spirit lives in me and in you, Enough is on the inside.
Looking and striving for ENOUGH is like looking for my sunglasses and they are right on the top of my head.
Last weekend, I had my dance fitness class do an exercise with a plain white t-shirt where we each wrote our “word theme” for 2015.
For the first time in a very long time, I meant it.
(Enough…even with no earrings or make-up!)
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9